I. So. Know. How. You. Feel!  Up...then down- hormones in a flying rage.  It could be hormones too, if you're pregnant.  I feel for you though, it is horrid when one minute you're happy, the next you feel flat and down and weepy.  Would be so nice to only have the happy!

i laughed at the sudden switch in the last 2 paragraphs.  i know they were't meant to be funny....but the intense drama of the day where you ended up flipping at your co-workers and such and then...."oooh, new bedsheets."  kind of random.  kind of funny. 

Is this the man who needs to pay Child Support? If it is my response to him would be "Child support due".

Bet he leaves you alone after that.

So you want to be nice to the "nice lady" in the office who wants you to fetch coffee?

Here's what I would do when she called me for ANYTHING....

I'd say when I get a chance to, and NEVER do it. Bet she would get the message by the end of the week. If she is your supervisor, or has any affect on you getting fired, just tell them you were too busy to get it done, should cover you.

But I would have to leave her hanging until she got the message, you don't want to be her legs, let her find her way as you found yours!

That's a very pretty picture. Your daughter's expression is so sweet!

Love the dress, must have been an elegant affair. Much better than those sherbert colored bridesmaid dresses that we all hate!

Regarding your dreams, I think your subconsious mind is trying to tell you that you may be pregnant. My first symptoms were of breast enlargment, pain in breast, and frequent urination. After that I had the unbelievable best skin and hair of my life!

I hope you are happy whatever way your test comes out.

I've always been apalled at how a lot of men act as fathers when they aren't with their child's mother anymore.  I just don't get it.  But I guess I was raised with hillbilly values, where family comes before everything!  Something good to say about hillbillies, anyway!  It sounds like you have a fun weekend ahead, I hope you enjoy it.  And the way to talk to the new lady without sounding like a biotch is to sometime casually bring up what your job responsibilities are, and act like someone else makes you do stuff that isn't your job, and how it frustrates you.  Maybe.

haha I just dont know bout him,

he is a little different, but in a good way.

Its just sorta weird.

Chu know?

nicole.

Oh Allie, what terrible memories you must have involving this! I pray that this one will go well for you, and that you will be able to relax.  These are no fun; I've only had one, but it was no picnic. I can't imagine starting at 11!

Take care; know that I'm praying for you, sweet friend.

  I hope your doctor makes it more bearable for you this time. I get to have my first one pretty soon, since my doctor said I would have one as a 50th birthday present.......isn't that a nice touch?

  You have a good day Allie, and I'll see you later, Michael

Your daughter is so adorable. Love that dress.

I have had a few of those dreams and sometimes when I am awake weird feeling about something thats going to happen(ex I have feeling that something bad is going to happen to my sister, and I find out that she broke her leg around the same time I had the feeling). I usually chalk it up to luck. But I hope your premonision is true and you are looking at that big fat positive test real soon.

Amie

Kay looks like a little doll!!!!!  She is so perfect!!!!

I also have really vivid dreams and they freak me out SO badly sometimes.  Sometimes I wonder if its my mind playing over my fears, or something else.  Maybe you should take a test, just in case.  Either way you can set your mind at ease. 

Your little flower girl is sooooo cute!

Hmm... From what you've written here, I think you should atleast see a doctor. Just my opinion, though.

Thank you so much for the comment. I so wanted to buy it but was too scared that it was just not true what they said on the commercial. Sounds like its totally worth it.

Thanks again

Amie

I am so sorry for your daughter and you having to deal with this. My prayers are with your family.

I went back an read the majority of your entries to get to know a little more about you, or at least a little more about what you write in your diary. I read in one of your entries that you use Bare Minerals for makeup, and I always thought about buying some but because it is so expensive always wanted to talk to someone who has used the product and find out what they thought about it. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Amie

Hey girl!  I'm glad Kay's appointment went well.  It is a bit scary about her knowing all that s..xual stuff at age 5.  Porn is a scary, scary thing.  But at least the steps are being taken to help her, and she has gotten a glowing review.  Remember that this is an excellent reflection on the good job YOU are doing as a parent. 

You may want to consider seeing someone about your problems.  If you want to talk, you need to talk.  And I doubt that they would take your daughter away just because you opened up about your problems.  No harm is coming to her.  And you are doing your utmost to get your problems under control.  I think you are commendable- you are rising above all the difficulties life is throwing at you.  I am so proud to be your friend girl!  

hah yesssssss high five babe....im excited, i dont have to do it alone for once!

[backwhereicomefrom]

i guess thank you for the comment

[Gothangel420]

"Sometimes I just feel so alone. Like everything I do doesn't matter."

Oh Allie, if you only knew just how much you really DO matter.  I pray that you come to know it, precious girl. Love, Gina

  That's so good to hear Allie! Answered prayer is always sweet!

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week, and a great weekend coming up just around the corner. Another "family" weekend for you!

Take care dear lady..............Michael

Sweet Allie, I am so sorry that you are struggling. This is a harsh world that we live in, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. It doesn't mean that God doesn't love you, or that He is bringing bad into your life.  It only means that the enemy is trying to distract you from what you know is the truth: the truth is that you are a valuable treasure to God, and He loves you beyond measure.

I am praying that God will wrap His arms around you so close that you can feel His heartbeat.  May He walk you through these hard times, and may you be reminded that there are good times ahead.  Love, Gina

****HUGS**** to you Allie. ****HUGS**** to you!

You're the sixth one of my favs this week to write of how depressing things are in your world right now, and of the self-harm demon trying to take power over you. I'm praying for you to find strength to defeat him! Hang in there sweet lady, and spend time in prayer yourself, too.

You are worth so much.......so, so much! Is there any time that you and Jared pray together? If yes, then this is a good time to do that; it not--it's a good time to ask him if he would start.

You're not alone, and I'm not the only one praying for you.......take strength in that Allie. I'll be around, Michael.

i have had alot of issues with ja's father also when it comes to being responsible and paying his child support.  and let me tell you, i struggle on where lines should be drawn.  but i'm a firm beleiver that no matter what he pays or doesn't pay...as long as she is "safe" when she is with him and as long as she "wants" to be with him, then she deserves to have a relationship with him.  he mite not be doing anything he should be doing...but for my daughter....who "wants" and "loves" her father....i do everything i can to give them time together. 

i know...it means that i go over and above sometimes what "i" should be doing, but it's for "her" and not for him.  there is no way i can look into her eyes when she says she wants to see her dad....and deny that.  he's taken alot of time away from her already.  his loss.  but when he's available...i move heaven and earth to let them be together, even tho i struggle emotionally with her care during the time she's with him.

it's hard to explain.  the line drawing.  but never, do i want my daughter to grow up and think in any way, shape, or form, that i kept her from her father.  i grew up with a dad...i know what it did to me, as far as questioning my own worth, because he was around but didn't see me enough and then not at all.  i don't want that for my daughters, EVEN if someone else can be blamed. 

i hope all that makes sense.

Hi Allie! Sorry I haven't commented lately, but I have read all your latest entries; it's just been an exceptionally busy week!  I think you wrote a really honest and to the point letter to your ex, without being cruel or resorting to underhanded tactics. 

I'm wondering why he continues to text you; is it just to push your buttons? I notice he tried to pull the 'you're not a good mother' card on you.  The oldest trick in the history of divorces.  He could at least use a little imagination.

I'm wondering if you would consider ignoring his text messages. Sounds like he's obviously trying to get a rise out of you, and after stating your position firmly in the letter you sent him it seems like you don't need to justify anything to him.

I am so glad you made the decision to quit your weekend job, and devote that time to your family; I know God will honor you for that.  Are you involved in church anywhere? Do you have any Christian fellowship outside of home?  Just wondering, not trying to be nosy!

Take care, sweet Allie, and know that I've added you to my prayer list. I'll be regularly lifting up your name before our Father.  Keep seeking His heart!

NO IT IS NOT UR FAULT ATALL!!!!

HE IS STUBBORN!!

YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER!!

[Juicyx]

  I will do that Allie; you sound like it would be a great blessing for you!

  Hello Allie,
I sent you an email to the address in your bio....just wondering if you got it? If you want to get a signed copy of my book, then write me at fieldhandministries@yahoo.com and we'll set it up.

But if you just want a copy and want it for the lowest price possible, I would probably just go thru Amazon.com

Hope you're having a nice Thursday, and see you later, Michael.

don't ya just love those attitudes the size of texas???  lol.  and to think,

that they only last, um.....well alot of years....lol.



allie, i'm glad you answered some of the questions.  and hope you don't

mind if i comment further on them.



i love the story about praying for food and then the whole fridge full being

turned over to you.  it's nice to KNOW when a prayer is answered, but when

answers don't come, don't think your prayer isn't heard or not

getting answered.  he's always there.  always.  



on the second one up there, please know that you have already "moved"

me.  maybe it's not in the way you mean when you write that.  but affecting

other people is a gift in itself.  divorce is not fun.  it can tear down the

best of people and make them doubt everything about themselves, which brings me

to....



the old you.  what your ex did to you, is horrible.  but try to keep in mind

that "HE" had the problem.  it was HIM that was the problem. 

don't let his meanness and wrongness keep you beleiving that you were less

of a good person, simply because it wasn't enough for him.  he's just

one person...and shouldn't have the power to keep taking from you in your

today.  my first husband did this to me too.  my mom told me, that i'd

become a "doormat" in that marriage...nice huh?  but it was true. 

whatever "me" there was before that marriage was quickly and mean-ly

swept under rugs to collect dust bunnies.  it was hard, afterward, to separate

myself from those dust bunnies and remember who i was and what "I"

wanted.  but it helped to know what i NEVER wanted again, and that came fairly

easy to me.  same with you, it sounds like.  that's already a great step

forward and back to you.



when i was 18, i took a small trek on the anorexia road.  it had everything to

do with feeling like i never measured up, but looking back now, i still

can't explain why if we don't feel we measure up....we hurt ourselves

instead of trying to rise to the situation and make things better.  this is not

a put down...honest.  it's only something i learned after my own experience

that's never had an answer.  the only thing i can think of (for

"myself") is that feeling things was just so painful and redirecting

the pain physically took the focus off the emotional stuff.  but there is no

healing in that.  it's better (and way harder) to face the emotional stuff. 

it even builds strength and understanding.



lol...sorry to have rambled so much away here again.  hope you don't mind.

Your daughter is just as gorgeous as you!!! She is just too cute!  You should clone her and sell copies!  (Just kidding...)

Those kitties are just too sweet as well.  That kitten-bundle looks super-cozy... ah, to live a cat's life!!

this is what i tried to post earlier in the day...

may i ask a question...or a few?



regarding your number #12...when you pray and ask God to help you NOT hurt

yourself, do you "beleive" that he CAN help you?



regarding #17 & #18...for some reason, we are always our own worst enemy

and so often way harder on ourselves than anyone else would be.  i remember a

phase in my life that i would punish myself for something, JUST SO that someone

else couldn't do it, if that makes sense.



regarding #22...without knowing you yet, i already beleive you are unique and

remarkable, but i probably couldn't explain it to you in a way that make any

sense.



regarding #24...what ARE your real goals?



regarding #38...that's a beautiful thing that not everyone can say about

themselves.



regarding #39...i'm willing to bet that ALOT of women have issues with this

one.  i did too.



regarding #42...it's never too late to get real with ourselves, and there

is nothing better we can give ourselves either.



regarding #46...what was the old you like?



regarding #49...this is also one of my biggest battles.  but there are rewards

in letting yourself feel it.  it's just really hard to allow it, i know.



regarding #58...the good thing about not liking ourselves, is that we TRULY

have the power to change what we don't like.  we just don't

"think" we do.  but we DO.



regarding #67...i bet you are more real with your child/children than you are

anyone else.  i bet you are a better mom than you think you are.  



regarding #74...i lost myself completely years ago, thru a bad marriage.  i

didn't even know i was lost, and the finding myself was both painful and

more freeing than anything i've ever known.  but it takes some serious guts

to dig and uncover.



regarding #87....this one alone can absolutely save you from all the rest on

this list.  i beleive that with all my heart!!



you don't have to answer these if you don't want.  after all you

don't know me...but i hope to have given you some things to at

"least" think about.  i hope you don't mind if i follow your

journal, and comment here and there?  



by the way, i'm terri...and hello to you.

[terriberri]
     

I hear you too, Allie.  I hear what you are saying and it resonates in my spirit because I have been there and lived it.  You can be healed.  You can be delivered. You can be made whole again.  I know it because I have lived that too.

May God watch over and keep you.  May He make Himself real to you in your fears and your everyday life.  May you feel His healing presence even now, even before you can sense the work that He is doing in your life.  May He give you the courage to close your eyes and fall backwards into His loving arms that are strong enough to never fail to catch you.

Hi, Allie.  I'm Gina and it's nice to meet you.  I look forward to getting to know you.

Hey girl... I read your last entry together with this one.  I thought I was the only person in the world who slept with a stuffed animal!  I have this bear who is as old as I am, I slept with him every night until I moved in with Jace, who has banned him to a spot in the cupboard (his make-shift bedroom).

You sound like you are struggling, and its awful that you have been so sick!  Chest infections are the worst- I know when I'm sick like that I get horribly depressed. 

I hope you start feeling much, MUCH better soon! 

Love you tons!

Your heart is crying out for help, but no one can "hear" you. They're just muffled sounds reminiscent of a spirit long gone.

well.

i'm gonna post an entry now in detail. so just read that.

i've missed you and everyone else SO much!

how are you anyway?

xx

:| that man sounds ridiclous,

i hope it gets better after this, you dont deserve this, and kay definetely doesnt!

thankyou :)

i heart you to lol

and i think you said the right things in those texts :) i hope he starts to pick her up now

xxx

my mom is actually being very supportive it was more so after the sono it was one of those i am going to be a grandmother once she saw the sono i think it really hit her the same with me knowing that i am carring for two humans in me.

thankyouu :) i hope i do...

[Juicyx]

im happy that your happy :)

xx

:) yerrrrr

cause you are tryin for a baby arent you?

and im sorry about all the money business
it will get better :)

xxx

Thankyou :)

and im really sorry about all this, you truely dont deserve it!

lots of lovexxx

unfortunately, i don't think going to the police is going to help much.  it's just going to be filed and forgotten.  but i WOULD stop going to his house, or meeting him half way alone.  either make him come to your house when jared is home, or make someone go with you to drop your daughter off.  goog for you driving away because i would've hit him with my car!

I've done so many of these before :-)

I hope you are feeling better, bronchitis is a b*tch!!!  I just wanted to ask you- does your man see your e-mails too?  I see that both your names come up on the address.  Hence the reason I was a bit cryptic in my email the other day. 

What I was trying to say is that you mustn't fall into the guilt trap- I know I do all the time- some guy flirts with me and I feel like I HAVE to tell my man otherwise I feel bad.  But he sees it as me trying to make him jealous.  You didn't "ask" for what happened, you weren't to blame at all.  Telling J might only hurt him.  And its not like you cheated- its not like you did anything wrong.  You are a lovely, lovely person and I hate this other guy for setting your mind in turmoil.  He's lucky I'm on another continent, or his knee-caps would be in danger. 

Na dont tell him. i dont think it was really that big of a deal. you had no part in it and if he dosnt want to hear then dont push it. if he hears it from someone else, just tell him thats the story you were going to tell him but he was too awkward to listen:)

it will be ok

Ooooo thats a tricky situation,

hmm, im not very good at relationships, but I reckon you should say something like...

"something happened at the wedding, by no fault of my own, and I want to tell you, but you said you didnt want to know, but do you want to know now, or not, but I dont really want you to find out from someone else then get the wrong idea...."

lots of luckkxxx

Mannn that sucks :( Get better soon :)

Happy birthday us :)  soon....

+anniversary for you :)   how many years since u got married?

lovexx

You have my smpathy! Kidney stones are a mean part of life. I had the pain of one and didn't have medical insurance at the time. I had to suffer through the period of pain without any medicine. That hurt so badly that i was doubled over and walked leaning over.

After that, I pulled way back on the sodas. I think I may have cursed the maker of them! I am now a water drinking woman and believe in drinking enough of the water daily.

Oh yeah...how did I survive when I had them....got on the internet and read as much as I could about prevention,care, and all.

Just know you are changing. Some illnesses make us change whether we want to or not. You need to take MORE care of yourself.

You matter you know!

Prettyisthin~~~

Errr like between 124-126 I think....that was like at the end of May/starte of June :P

I laav the pics btw :)

xx

Oh wow, we seem so similar sometimes!  I had a day like that the other day.  When I think- I wish someone would crash into me, cause the accident (bcause I couldn't afford more on my insurance) and just make it so... I don't have to work a few days or weeks.  Not kill me, just hurt me a little, so I can have a break.  I know it sounds terrible.  Some d